Why Are You Here?

Why am I here? It's the most difficult question to truly answer. Even if you can come up with a reason for your existence it's still only your personal explanation, and not a fact: a real answer to the question.

So I look at my baby girl. She has the most precious eyes that ever has or ever will walk the Earth. Do I need another reason to be here: to be alive?

Absolutely!

I have three other kids and the most fucking beautiful wife I could ever ask for...

Yet I can't rest my mind on a settling meaning of life...the Autumn season does this to me...I get nostalgic, contemplative, depressed, deep, appreciative, sad, and peaceful.

It is the season I am almost at peace in with the idea of death...yet often it is the season I feel most alive in, as cold air rushes into my lungs, pumps my blood, urges me to grasp the life in front of me with all I have within me, as it may just disappear at any moment with any passing season...

so yes I have kids, and they certainly give me a reason to keep moving at a livable pace, but I yearn for more...I yearn for more for them...

Tonight I had my three boys meditate with me on four things in this order...silence, something about themselves they would like to eradicate; like anger, laziness, rudeness etc, something they would like to exemplify; like happiness, love, kindness etc, and a seed or a tree...

a lot of giggling went on, but we will visit the idea a couple times a week, and seeds will be planted...

    
This Sunday I finally get to go back to church...things like life have gotten in the way since we planned it a few weeks back, but now I am blessed to return to a life of prayer...I worry about trite things like if I will like the priest or the church or the etc...but my mind wants to be quiet and still...

From the outside I look either bored, or lazy, or at peace...just not nearly as crazy as I would look from the inside...A life of prayer, a true devotion to this thing we call spirit will settle the muck of my mind I am sure of it...

I feel like I have an entire symphony called My Life to live for, and it is so worth living that I feel the need to give thanks, to be grateful, to sing, to laugh, and to pray...My life, my kids, this life and my wife are immeasurable gold to me...

So with Christ and all things holy I am stepping back out of my human shell...with the Sun I am the light and heat of my family...with Buddha I am a silent retreat...

I walk on poetry...

I pray to bells and wind...and an ordered universe...

I give thanks to all I have been blessed with...

I live to live for my family...