Why Are You Here?

Why am I here? It's the most difficult question to truly answer. Even if you can come up with a reason for your existence it's still only your personal explanation, and not a fact: a real answer to the question.

So I look at my baby girl. She has the most precious eyes that ever has or ever will walk the Earth. Do I need another reason to be here: to be alive?

Absolutely!

I have three other kids and the most fucking beautiful wife I could ever ask for...

Yet I can't rest my mind on a settling meaning of life...the Autumn season does this to me...I get nostalgic, contemplative, depressed, deep, appreciative, sad, and peaceful.

It is the season I am almost at peace in with the idea of death...yet often it is the season I feel most alive in, as cold air rushes into my lungs, pumps my blood, urges me to grasp the life in front of me with all I have within me, as it may just disappear at any moment with any passing season...

so yes I have kids, and they certainly give me a reason to keep moving at a livable pace, but I yearn for more...I yearn for more for them...

Tonight I had my three boys meditate with me on four things in this order...silence, something about themselves they would like to eradicate; like anger, laziness, rudeness etc, something they would like to exemplify; like happiness, love, kindness etc, and a seed or a tree...

a lot of giggling went on, but we will visit the idea a couple times a week, and seeds will be planted...

    
This Sunday I finally get to go back to church...things like life have gotten in the way since we planned it a few weeks back, but now I am blessed to return to a life of prayer...I worry about trite things like if I will like the priest or the church or the etc...but my mind wants to be quiet and still...

From the outside I look either bored, or lazy, or at peace...just not nearly as crazy as I would look from the inside...A life of prayer, a true devotion to this thing we call spirit will settle the muck of my mind I am sure of it...

I feel like I have an entire symphony called My Life to live for, and it is so worth living that I feel the need to give thanks, to be grateful, to sing, to laugh, and to pray...My life, my kids, this life and my wife are immeasurable gold to me...

So with Christ and all things holy I am stepping back out of my human shell...with the Sun I am the light and heat of my family...with Buddha I am a silent retreat...

I walk on poetry...

I pray to bells and wind...and an ordered universe...

I give thanks to all I have been blessed with...

I live to live for my family...

East Bumble Fuck of the Mind

I have a terrible way of shutting down when I come to a wall in my life...I came to a point in my writing venture where my mind had to veer off, for various reasons, and lose sight of itself in a static-haze, which I now call an east bumble fuck of the mind...

It's a place I would like to avoid as often as I can...but I am back and back on fire...

To supplement my life I'm riding shotgun on a UPS truck till the end of the Christmas season, so if you see campbellonemillion coming your way with a brown box...just say WHADDUP!!!

As seasonal jobs go this one is good for a couple of reasons...for one thing, all the running like a toady back and forth from truck to house to truck to house to truck and back again has my blood pumping and making me realize I just don't take care of my body: or mind and soul at that...and there is no better time to be outside and alive than Autumn...

I have a good partner in Truck Driver Mark...he seems to be the comic wizard of hustle: caring about the peeps that make up his route, as he gets his shit done with the hustle of Santa Claus...

This weekend the family and I are taking the journey back to church...I feel the call again, and if you have read my thoughts on religion you know this is a never ending winding pathway up some mountain I hope just isn't an endless topless peak of the spirit amounting to a god damn it, I traveled up this heap pile for nothing, Fuck Damn!

I love when the spirit calls. I feel the fire...it burns...it is good...going to mix some prayer time at family dinner and whenever...Psalms, chants, homilies, mixed nuts, Buddhas, Jesus, red and white wine, nails to the cross, hammer to the head...any sacred ground of the heart I can stick my spiritual shovel in and dig away...I am sick from not looking at every inch of life as non-sacred when every inch of life IS sacred...do you feel me?

    
So I had kind of a travel to the far east bumble fuck of the mind last night...

In an effort to sell off our other animals, to make room for Caymus, Tyler and I drove to Warwick, NY to rid ourselves of the headache that was the fish tank...

We left at seven, in the dark...hit the highway east and then north...after a bit of north travel the GPS sent us to a dark road headed northeast...we went winding upwards, or spiraling downwards, for about 45 minutes...into bumble fuck and small town USA...

As we're riding on empty and one bar of life on my cell phone/GPS Tyler's phone falls into the bucket of water containing our remaining fish...$50 bucks for Tyler down the drain for a new phone now...sweet deal!

About 2.5 miles from crazy dudes house and my phone/GPS dies...nice!

I can't remember his house number, but then I do...we find it: a bunch of college kids and no crazy dude...WTF!      

Tyler and I travel into little town in search of a pay phone...hahahahahahaha!

The lady behind the counter at the gas station lets us use her cell phone...Holly confirms the house number I thought it was...Awesome!

So we look one more time, and well there is a convenient store next to 699 that also says 699 on the front door...it's closed, but the lights on upstairs lead me to the back porch, and we do complete the fish tank journey!

The trip went about an hour, a bag of chips, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, an orange Vitamin Water,  and 20 miles over schedule and Tyler had a dead phone...

But we managed to talk about space, ambition, nothingness, young love, house rules, a whole bunch of retarded shit, and we danced to pop music down Rt. 80 doing 75 mph; and 100 mph through life, ruling our little bubble of space that is the inside of my car...

We returned financially as poor as we left, but rich in some cool ass bonding time i wouldn't trade for (insert something of value)...Tyler is cool!

Again my heart opens outward toward new and old things. I am rejuvenated like a flower that never fails to bloom again. I wonder how many lasting seeds the spirit will plant again. I am pointing to the spirit within my children for once. I hope they see what I see. I hope I point the right way: the clear way. I've got a bag of seeds and some water. I'm gonna throw'm all over the fuck'n place and spray water like there's a fire blaz'n the world up. Let it burn and save us all. Pray till it all goes to shit and sing as you breathe.